i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
sarcasm needs its own font
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
