Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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