oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
