just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
