Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
