You just made me feel so damn special
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I have tasted many bathrooms
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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