he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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