Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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