DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
