I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
