I want you more than these girls want KFC
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
