Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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