and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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