I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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