You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
