I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
