I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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