you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
