Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
