I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
