I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize