is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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