I bet he comes in French.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
