I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
