I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
