I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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