After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
