I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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