wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
