i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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