I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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