we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
