I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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