This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
