I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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