I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
