It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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