and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize