I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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