Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
