so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize