I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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