I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
