I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
