He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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