why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
