I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Sorry my hands just texted you
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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