I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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