Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize