Just cropdusted the office
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
