Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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