I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
