Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize