you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
