I can text with my tongue
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
