Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
