Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
