got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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