hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
