I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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