Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
