How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
