Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
