no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
