1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
