i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
