I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
it was like his penis was on wheels.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
