i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
