You're so nebulous sometimes
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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