I wish I could punch you in the face.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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