beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
