I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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