just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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