my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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