Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
